Freaks Macintosh Archive/Freaks Macintosh Archive.bin/Freaks Macintosh Archives/Textfiles/zines/DNA/DNAV1I4.sit/DNAV1I4/ARTICLE.007

Text File | 1993-08-30 | 17KB | 266 lines

                Fun for beginning Mayhem-mongers

            By Lord Patch



     The good people here at Dna have asked me to write an article
concerning legal (and not so legal) self-defense items that ordinary,
law-abiding citizens can purchase, carry, and use with impunity.  And here it
is (yes Paz, I've finally finished it!).  So with all that aside, here we go:


     To start off with, I thought I would address some of the items that
you might NOT want to be seen walking our fair streets with, some of these
items include:


1. Guns.  I know ALOT of people's first ideas on self defense are,
"I'll go out and get myself a gat!"  People LOVE guns, with good reasons.
Guns are nasty, deadly, and quick.  They are also VERY dangerous.  For the
common person, it is more likely that they will injure themselves, or an
innocent bystander, than they are to hurt the person they are intending to.
If you feel you HAVE to carry a firearm, my advice is to go out and get
tested (and practice on as much as possible) on a police sponsored combat
range (the kind with the targets that pop up at you), or at a video range
(one that gives the same targets, civilian and enemy, but in a video
scenario, and let you know EXACTLY where you've hit or not hit them).  If you
feel you NEED a gun, then I suggest the following..

Revolvers are VERY nice, they are in some ways more accurate than semi-auto,
they do not jam (and if they do, it's almost always a defective round lodged
or jammed in the cylinder), and you can leave them loaded for extended
periods of time.  They are easier to clean and maintain, and the slower rate
of fire often causes someone to pause when they might have shot someone they
did not intend to.  If you want to carry a semi-auto, I suggest the Colt
1911, .45 semi-automatic.  This is a design that has been PROVEN since about
1906 to be effective.  It carries 8 rounds in a grip-magazine and is
recoil-operated.  It is accurate, and dependable.  It's boxy shape makes
it easy to conceal (though some models are a BIT on the bulky side).  And the
.45 round will, in most cases, be incapacitating, or deadly, after only one
hit.  There are a TON of other good guns on the market (and a very limited
space in the magazine), so if you want to carry one, get one, and make sure
you are VERY comfortable with it, and it's release from the holster, before
you hit those dark streets.   FBI statistics say that about 80% of most
gunfights happen when all combatants are within about 10 feet of each other,
and most others happen with one person running away, and firing over their
shoulder.  My basic advice is, as I said before, these things are unsafe, and
will, in the end, cause you more grief than relief. Take it from someone who
carried one for about 2 years.


2. Knives.  I am not a big supporter of knives either.  This is basically
because it is almost impossible to "incapacitate" someone with a knife.  With
our technology today, the only time I see it as being advisable to walk
around with a sharpened piece of steel in your pocket, or on your hip for
defense is at Renaissance Faires.  Knives come in a variety of sizes and
shapes.  The legal limit is 3 inches of blade length.  Anything over
that length (and not exceeding, I believe, 16 inches) needs to be carried in
a sheath outside of clothing (even jackets and coats).  Double edged knives
(daggers) are VERY illegal, and will be confiscated, and you will be taken
away by the boys in blue for even having one in your car.  Again, don't do
it, it's not worth it.  By law, any knife that is operated by a
spring-mechanism (like a switchblade) is illegal.  Also any gravity fed, or
one handed-operation knives.  A note on fighting with a knife.  The golden
rule of knight-fighting is:  Never get in a Knife-fight, you can't
win!  You can only lose by varying degrees!  In this day and age,
there is no place for two grown people to go about carving each other up
like a couple of neanderthals!


3.  Nun-chucks (sorry, I don't have my Mutant Turtle-to-English Dictionary
handy at the moment).  Things like this, and almost any other "martial arts
weaponry" should really stay on the Dojo wall.  Things like Sai's, Tunfa's,
Shurikan's (throwing stars), Swords, and Spears all take YEARS to master (so
you don't knock yourself out, as anyone who's ever played with nun-chucks
knows happens alot, or slicing any of your fingers off!).  YES, you can get
very proficient with these items given a short amount of time, most of them
are very simple in principle, but in a fight which might only last seconds,
and could lead to someone becoming DEAD, I would personally have something in
my hand that I am SURE I know how to use.  Wouldn't you?


4.  Concealed weapons.  This is a very round-about, and blanket category
which covers any concealed, or hidden weapon.  Things like sword-canes,
belt-buckle knives, throwing stars disguised as Gawd knows what, or any funky
little do-dad.  Most of these take some time to draw (time you may NOT have
in a fight), and cops can recognize most of them in an instant.  They are
simply not worth the night in jail.  And since most of the items in the
market are concealed knives anyways, you most likely have to kill your
opponent (at a VERY close range).  Besides, do you really want to face off
against two or three gang-bangers with your pants around your ankles, because
you're holding the belt, trying to get that nifty knife out??

5. Other dumb things.  This concerns really bad ideas like  mugger alerts
(those little boxes that make a horrible sound when the cord is pulled),
whistles, and other sundry items.  These devices are designed to alert people
to the fact that you are being, in some way, abused.  But let me pose this
question, how many people listen to car-alarms these days?


Okay, now that we've spent a LONG time discussing things that are not a
good idea, let's talk about some things that might be a bit more intelligent
to carry about with you:


1. Pepper-spray.  Cayenne pepper-spray can be bought at almost any gun
shop (and at Spy Tech in Costa Mesa..just had to include that).  I believe
you need a license to carry one.  Though you can get this by being over 18 (I
believe) and attending the class (which is like two hours long..wank wank
wank wank).  It was originally used by mailmen to guard themselves against
dogs.  It is a replacement for mace (which I believe you CAN get, but you
need to take certain self-defense classes, and is a big drag which takes TOO
long to obtain).  Many stores will sell it under the counter (esp. if you are
young, pretty, blonde, and have a good sob story.  So send your girlfriend in
to get it if you can.), I think it costs anywhere from 15-30 bucks (haven't
priced it for about 3 years, so your guess is about as good as mine. It works
okay, and is fairly accurate.  I wouldn't trust my LIFE to the stuff, but it
should buy you a couple of seconds.


2. Stun Guns.  The police would have you believe that these are the
best items for self-defense.  In my opinion, they're good, but have some
SEVERE draw-backs.  The biggest being you actually have to TOUCH someone with
it for it to work (the self-propelled model, called a 'tazer' is listed by
most police agencies as a firearm which requires the proper permit.  Thanks
Uncle Sam).  The second being that it is not as effective on certain people.
People who are very fat (or muscular) or jolt themselves with electricity on a
regular basis will not feel the effects as much as the 'average' person.
Also, certain types of clothing will lessen the effect, heavy leather
coats/jackets being the worst.  Using it on someone will deaden whatever part
of the body it touches, arm, leg, etc. for a few moments.  My advice is
ALWAYS go for body-mass or the head (the same goes for using a hand gun).
But like I said, you actually have to TOUCH someone with it, so go easy,
chummers.  They can be obtained at nearly any gun store, Spy Tech
(again a plug..haha), swap meet, just about anywhere (I know of a couple of
adult stores that sell them, and not the kind you shock yourself with, what a
world we live in.  But if this world were perfect, you wouldn't be reading
this, go figure).  They come in all ranges of voltage, I believe the highest
being about 90,000 volts (but I could be wrong).  And in all sizes, from
hand-held models to things that look like cattle-prods.  There is even a
model, I call it a 'Stun Sword' that has wire around the shaft, or blade, of
the weapon(yes, weapon.  these can be just as offensive as defensive, esp.
this model), and two prongs at the top.  It delivers 90,000 volts to some
poor jerk no matter WHAT part you hit them with.  It's worth the investment.
Just remember: Take it OUT of your pocket before turning it on, it does NOT
impress the babes to hear that you are responsible for mugging yourself!  And
you can carry one on your person, I think it can't be concealed, though.


3. Flashlights.  yes, you heard me right, flashlights.  One of the BEST
things to outfit your car with is a 5 or 6 cell Maglight <tm>.  I have a 5
cell that I keep between the seat and the driver's door.  They are perfectly
legal (you can even get a special holding clip for your car.  What a world!),
and make GREAT clubs (10,000 sadistic police officers CAN'T be wrong!).  At
night, flashing that several hundred candle-power light in someone's eyes
just before smashing they greymass all over the pavement is an added
advantage. You can get them at swapmeets, or gunshows (also a great
place to find stun guns, btw) for ridiculous prices (I believe I paid
something like $25. for mine), AND you get the convenience of having a
flashlight in yer car!  What a deal!  You can also carry them in backpacks or
duffle-bags.  Many's a night that I have felt more secure walking down a dark
street, knowing that heavy piece of metal is right over my shoulder.  Again,
you have to touch someone, but having that nice, balanced, club in my hands
makes me feel ALOT better!


4. Walking sticks.  Here we are!  The walking stick is Gawd's answer to the
prayers of the average citizen!  Even forgoing all the neat-o extras you can
have inside a cane, like blades and guns (don't worry about those, they are
VERY illegal.  Though you can get a nice 12 gauge cane-gun from Griffen Arms,
Inc.), they are still one of the best things you can have.  Imagine being
able to walk down the street with a club, no, a MACE (just like a Medieval
Knight) at your side, ready for action, with IMPUNITY!  You can.  There is no
law prohibiting someone 18 years of age, or older from having a walking
stick, or cane.  I personally own one, that has an oak shaft and a 3 pound
brass ball at the end (purchased from the Tinder Box pipe and tobacco store
in Orange, for about $40, as a Prom accessory!  and they let me in with it
because my leg was hurt!).  The police always stop me, they search first me,
and then the cane.  They twist the handle, tug at it, look at the tip,
everything.  After a few minutes they give up, and ask me where the knife is,
or the gun.  I simply smile, and say, "Why occifer, I don't know
WHAT you mean..."  You can get walking sticks at ANY good tobacco shop, or
craft fare (some GREAT ones, even custom ones, can be obtained at your local
Renaissance Faire), the better quality stick you have, the longer and better
it will serve you.  A cane is ALWAYS at hand, and ready to be used.  You
still have to touch your opponent, but it gives you a GREAT advantage.
The only problem you will have is that it DOES mark you.  The cops WILL
hassle you about it, even if you walk with a limp, so be ready for it!

5. Assorted Blunt Instruments.  This is another cover-all classification that
covers just about any other blunt weapon you can name.  The basic problem is
walking around WITH a club in your hands.  The cops ARE going to look at you
funny if you're walking down the street lightly tapping a baseball bat
against the curb.  If you have a car, that is the best place to keep it.
Though I recommend carrying a T-Ball bat (they're lighter and you can fight
better with it), just make sure you have a glove and a ball on the seat too.

Some other items include:

Brass knuckles.  These are good, but you have to be in VERY close to use them,
and they ARE illegal to carry.  But, it's better than naught, and VERY easy
to conceal.

Jacks and saps. These are essentially a bag with either grape-shot, or some
form of weight at the end.  A bag of marbles (esp. if you have a few ball
bearing, or pachinco balls mixed in) works great for this person! I have a
sock full of domino's that's guaranteed to put someone to sleep.  If you're
still in school, get the lock off your P.E. Locker and drop it in a sock, if
you need protection in a hurry.  This tool is a bit awkward to use, but VERY
effective.

Chains.  A bike chain (a chain used to lock a bike to a post) is a VERY nice
little tool. I personally recommend getting a bag, or pouch on your bike
just for carrying one (no matter what type of lock you use.  Keep all the
'gorilla grips in your backpack)  It's close at hand, and the cops can't
say diddly.  It's even BETTER if there's a lock at the end.  Any Ghost Rider
fans out there??

Sawed-off Pool Cues.  I know this one is a BIT difficult to transport.  But
I've found no better non-lethal tool in my varied travels.  If you don't care
about the cops searching your car (or they just never do), keep one on the
floor infront of the back seats.  It's best to cut it to about 3 to 3 and a
half feet long (starting from the big end).  I've seen no better barroom
brawling, or infighting weapon.  I carried one in my car for about a year.
If you can find a cue that screws together, then just use the heavy end.
There are even some out there that have steel centers, mine did (it was for
'balance'..yeah, right.  I balanced a few brain-cases with it!), covet these
like gold!  It's a good idea to have one in your room, just incase.  They're
less awkward than a baseball bat, and you can use one in close quarters.

Broken Bottles.  Bottles are everywhere (well, almost), and chances are
you'll be standing right next to one when something breaks out.  Remember,
just like with knives, these are lethal, and using one on someone, whether
they die or not is considered 'Assault with a lethal weapon', so go lightly.
But they're cheap and easy to find.  When in a bad neighborhood, and having
no weapon at hand, I always try to get a drink that comes in a glass bottle
(thank Gawd they're getting more popular.  Let's hear it for recycling!),
just in case...

Hat Pins.  A few years ago, there was some moron telling old ladies to use
the large pins (sometimes up to 5 inches long) in their hats as weapons.  I
don't know about you, but if I'm being rushed by a 300 pound, drunk, Samoan
gentleman, one of the LAST things I want to do is jab him with this
itty-bitty pin, don't know about you.  Some guys in LA get a major thrill out
of sticking pins and needles in their bodies (and they're not even shooting
junk), I doubt that this is going to faze them much.


A good idea is to use some of these tools in combination.  Like using pepper
spray to blind someone and then stepping in with your stun gun (to give him a
kiss goodnight).  When trying to decide what item<s> to carry, just remember,
if it doesn't FEEL legal, then it probably isn't.  The cops cannot take away
your stun gun, or pepper spray (though you DO need a license for the spray).
Consult the local ordinances for the laws regarding what you can and can't
carry, and how you can carry them.  If you cannot obtain legal books (if
you're too lazy to go down the local public library), then the nice man at
your local gun store will probably be able to tell you, and even let you
purchase a few goodies.  Though I prefer to shop "off-market", that choice is
up to you.  Hope this has helped someone.  Just remember:  It's a real crappy
world.  You have the RIGHT to defend yourself, don't let them take it away.

This story was written and brought to you for information purposes only.  We
are NOT responsible for the damage or harm that using any information
in this article may bring.  Blah blah blah blah..I'm sure you know all this
by now.  What a world....